Misconceptions About Forgiveness
By Jason McConahy | Published Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Forgiveness is, in its essence, a commitment. It is committing before God to release an offender of the sins they have committed against you. In practicality, it means not continuing to bring up the hurt to the offender, not bringing up the hurt to others (by gossiping or "venting"), and not dwelling on the hurt personally (by having a pity-party or fostering bitterness). Because forgiveness is essentially a commitment to God (and the offender), it is best expressed in prayer as a simple decision of your will.
Forgiveness IS NOT optional. That we are to forgive those who sin against us is a command of Christ, it is an imperative (Eph 4:32). As such, we cannot sit around and say "I'm not sure if I am going to forgive that person."
Forgiveness IS NOT a feeling. You may never feel like forgiving a person who has hurt you. In fact, our feelings toward the hurtful person will not change until we start to see them (and ourselves) through the lens of the gospel. And the way of the gospel is forgiving others as we are humbly aware of all we have been forgiven in Christ. And because forgiveness is not optional, we can't wait for our feelings to lead.
Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting. The fact that we remember the pain or the hurt does not mean that we can't or haven't forgiven. In Hebrews 8:12, God says "... I will remember their sins no more." To remember means to reminds one's self, or to recall something into one's mind, or to be mindful of. God does not forget our sin, He CHOOSES NOT to recall it into His mind for action. The sting of pain and the hurt may remain for a while. You may not "forget" for years, but you can forgive now!
Forgiveness IS NOT based upon the promise of future performance. We can be tempted to say "I'll forgive you if you promise to never do it again." And yet, Jesus told us that if a person sins against us 7 times in the same day, but each time returns repentant, that we are to forgive (Luke 17:4).
Forgiveness IS NOT dependent on another's repentance. We may also be tempted to say "I'll forgive that person if they take ownership for their actions and come ask me to." Yet, Jesus reminds us in Mark 11:25 that forgiveness can be extended the moment the hurt comes into our mind. This is important for us to know if we are to realize the freedom that comes in forgiveness - in many cases, the person who has caused us great harm may not even be a part of our lives anymore, or may not even be alive. So, we can forgive a person without ever speaking to them - but what can't take place in this case is reconciliation. Reconciliation is the process of two people removing the obstacles that keep them apart - forgiveness is one of the necessary obstacles.